In Fear of a Crucio
by Ocaso
Summary: Lily hated James and Harry knew it. Her words had been so truthful! The pain was such that it felt like dying and he himself thought he was dead. How on Earth had they ended up married? And then it hit him. Lily had married James in fear of a Crucio…


**Author's Note:** I had been wondering for a while why Harry was so upset with Severus' worst memory. J.K. Rowling – who does describe with many details what happens when Harry talks with Sirius and Remus about it – doesn't say much about what he feels or what thoughts cross his mind after Harry leaves the Potions Master's office (she mentions a couple of things, but I imagine his shock would have been greater than that, specially since he couldn't prove his teacher's memory wrong for a couple of days). That is how this fanfic finally came up. It probably needs some editing, so I'll be glad if you tell me what I could change through reviews. Thanks.

**Disclaimer:** I know it's amazing, but I'm actually not J.K. Rowling.**  
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**In Fear of a Crucio**

"_You make me SICK."_

She hated him and Harry knew it. Her words had been so truthful that Harry had felt his heart shrivel inside him. The pain was such that it felt like dying and he himself thought he was dead. Snape's worst memory kept repeating itself over and over again, and each time her words echoed louder in his head. She hated him and Harry knew it.

Harry had no desire at all to return to the Gryffindor Tower so early. His mind was a mess and he knew he couldn't face his friends, because then he'd have to tell them that Snape had never lied. How proud he was before of being his father's son he didn't know now, because that feeling had evaporated from within him, leaving Harry empty inside. Shame, hatred and – above all – fear overpowered him. His father had been every bit as arrogant as Snape had always told him, and that thought alone was enough to horrify him. Judging by the memory, Lily Evans hated James Potter and Harry knew it…

Still rubbing his bruised arm, Harry let himself slide until he sat on the floor with his back against the wall. He wished, miserably, that he hadn't been so curious about it, as what he had seen was slowly eating his insides. His parents had never been perfect…

Tears welled up in his eyes, but he blinked them back. He wouldn't cry over it; it wouldn't change anything. It wasn't as if Harry could go and apologize to his teacher, because his father had shown no remorse. In fact, it was after his mother left (she was the only decent person in the whole thing) that his father had bullied and humiliated Snape the worst.

Harry shuddered. James had been extremely cruel just because Sirius was bored, and all Lily was worth was a taunting. After all, hadn't his father promised not to hex 'Snivelly' anymore if she went out with him? What changed to make her change her answer? How on Earth had they ended up married?

And then it hit him. She had probably married him in fear of a Crucio.

Sure, his father didn't call her 'mud-blood', but he never said she wasn't one. He probably didn't say that word to avoid lessening his already dim chances with her. She loathed him, he wanted her, and (as a very rich pure-blood) he was used to getting his way…

Harry had to bite back a sob. James had forced her to marry him. She had become more than a whim, more than an obsession. She had to be his. He probably preyed upon her until she couldn't say no, and married him. She had also given him a son, a thought that made Harry cringe, knowing too well what that implied, and hoping desperately that he wasn't a 'trial-and-error' child. Her agony must have been unbearable. Was it her pain that had made her so hopeless so that, in the end, she didn't even mind?

Harry remembered what he heard when dementors came close to him and wondered, did she feel it a loss so great that she couldn't continue living, when James died? Or had Lily sacrificed herself for Harry because she would not and could not live with herself anymore? She was a muggle-born, probably the only one that Voldemort had offered mercy to. Rejecting her chance to live for motherly love didn't seem an instinctual decision anymore: it had been her only choice. Harry had been ridiculous to think otherwise.

His brain continued working in overload. His father would probably have joined the Death Eaters anyway… As Lily had said, James Potter was as bad as Severus Snape. And new thoughts kept rushing in as the scenes of the memory repeated themselves before his closed eyes once more: had he tortured her afterwards for her words? Had the rest of the Mauraders been in on it?

"Not Lupin", Harry thought fairly, "but I don't know about the other two…"

The sinking feeling in his chest grew. Only his astronomy classes dissuaded him from acknowledging that he had swallowed a black hole. As the minutes ticked by, the sensation worsened, and Harry felt himself drowning in despair. He needed desperately something to ease the pain…

And then, Harry had another revelation. He had to talk to Sirius.

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**Author's Note:** Well, that's it. Thanks for reading and happy reviewing! 


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